Debrief April 25, 2011

Whew.

Good one, Monday. You got me.

After the usual trainwreck that is Sunday night at our house (resulting in JUST not quite enough sleep for Monday, of course), Monday got off to a roaring start.

It’s funny how this always surprises me! I never learn.

I was all proud of myself for getting out the door on time and getting Baby Girl settled with the sitter with minimal fuss (I was even so virtuous as to forgo coffee in favor of scoring a stack of protocols staring at me from my work bag), and then…I noticed the temperature gauge was creeping up into the “Hey! Pay attention to me!” range. It has some very minor leak and needs to be replenished every so often, but we’d been staying on top of it. No huge deal.

I once misspelled the word “gauge” in a 4th grade spelling bee, and I still can’t spell it. Just so you know.

However, this morning I hadn’t checked it before I left, so of course it needed some attending to. As soon as I realized it was overheating (I was just getting off the interstate, about 2 miles from my school), I was able to pull over into a driveway-type drive for a farm and about five houses. I kid you not, before I could even pop the trunk and get out, there was a truck pulling in behind me to see if I needed help, and another one before I was able to get the water jug out of the back. There IS a benefit to working on the rural side of Franklin after all! Helpful strangers with trucks and extra fluids. Anyway, to make a boring story a little shorter, we got the coolant/water added back in, checked everything else, and I was ready to try again. I put the first (!–I know, I know) container of water in myself out of principle, but one of the guys did the other one for me and checked the levels of everything else. I was very thankful, as it was a VERY windy day and I had on a very non-wind-friendly dress. A new dress which I was hoping to not stain with motor oil if at all possible, by the way.

All that to say–I love the kindness of strangers, and that is why I try to stop if I see someone who is obviously stranded to at least offer the use of my cell phone or a ride to the nearest gas station, despite the fact that my father is going to read this and have a heart attack. I don’t always stop if it’s a man alone (using the old intuition–which is probably not all that smart given my track record), but I do if it’s a woman. I’ve been there, and it sucks. And if I happen to get murdered doing that one day, my dad will be able to say, “I told you so.”

Anyway, I got to work only a little late for my first meeting, and the day just went on from there. MANIC.

I told a co-worker that, often, my goal is just to get through the day without doing any of the following things:

1) Accidentally making someone cry.

2) Accidentally making someone white-hot with rage.

3) Not realizing that what I’m about to say/do is going to incite one of the above reactions.

Better luck Tuesday!

Have a great evening, people.

What happened here? December 10, 2010

 ETA: I posted this, deleted it pretty much immediately, and now I’m putting it back up. You know what? That’s where I was that day, healthy or not. It’s not where I am today, and the thing is whiny and self-serving, but that’s the purpose of a vent in the first place, right? It may come back down, but for right now it stays.

 

I’m sorry–this is going to be one of those cryptic vents. Do they still have those places where you can pay to go and smash a few boxes full of dishes? THAT SOUNDS FABULOUS right about now. It was a rough night.

I had this conversation just yesterday with two empathetic friends, so at least I know other people lose it sometimes, too. We even laughed about it. Maybe my memory and perceptions are skewed on this, but I’ve always seen myself as someone who is (most of the time) even and collected. When I would see other people flip out, even if I was right there in the middle of it and involved, seeing someone totally lose their cool and throw what amounted to an adult temper tantrum always made me just “click off” any frustrations I was feeling and let me find the ability to pull it together enough to just handle the situation and get on with it. Practical to a fault.

I don’t think I’m that person anymore. When I’m frustated, I feel like a ticking time bomb. I feel selfish and unreasonable; I feel like my emotions are not in sync with what’s going on and they’re often just firing randomly. I’m anxious in the face of nothing in particular, and completely ice-cold calm when I should probably be doing a good amount of justified freaking out. I haven’t figured out how to reset myself and start acting like I know I should when I should.

I know none of this makes any sense. It sounds about the same in my head, believe me, like white noise.

There. I feel better.

Now, I’m going to schedule this for later so I can decide if I should even post it or not. It helps to get it out, even just a little bit of it.

Today is Things Are Breaking Day. I did not get that memo. October 1, 2010

Thursday and Fridays are my days off from work (read: reassemble household, do work that cannot humanly be accomplished in the part-time hours I officially work on paper, prioritize emergencies, etc.). I try to give myself license to take it relatively easy on Thursdays (picnics with the girl, Goodwill browsing, friend lunches, making impossible To-Do lists, etc.) and actually get things done on Friday.

I am chronically unable to relax. I have about 10 things that have been on my list for weeks running. Some important, some not at all. I have a bunch of posts sitting in drafts that have probably already served their purpose of emptying out my thoughts and should just be deleted now. I just can’t get on top of anything. My brain just isn’t working.

Mostly, I keep getting derailed by things like:

1) The truck transmission doing funny things on the interstate. I am not a fan. I like my transmission to just do his job and be quiet about it. I don’t think that’s going to be the arrangement for much longer. So, I called my father figure and made an appointment for him to take a look-see and received my marching orders to appropriate some tiny little part from AutoZone. That’s the extent of my usefulness on this one. I can operate Google and the telephone.

2) Coming back from lunch to find out there’s no power in the front room (the entire breaker box was just replaced a few months ago). Again, the extent of my expertise is the ability to check the breaker box and track down the electrician.

These things come in threes, right? I do need to go to the dentist. Maybe I can get a surprise root canal if I play my cards right.

Good grief.

The funny thing is that I’m not even freaking out. Things go wrong, you fix what you can the best way you know how, and life goes on. I’m sure the freakout is out there somewhere on the horizon, but I seem to be taking these particular problems in stride.

Today.

I’m not even medicated, I promise.

This is the most boring post I’ve ever written. My apologies. I’m going to go look for inspiration photos for whatever I’m about to do to my hair.

Being real, or not June 26, 2010

Today, I was reading just a few of the 981 unread entries in my Google Reader and came across this post by Kelly.  I feel a lot of the same things she mentions. This concept of “being real” here is something I wrestle with from time to time. I write many, many posts that never see the light of day because, well, the PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME read this, and sometimes I just need to vent and not publish for the world. Later, I go back and scroll through the entries, and all I can think is:

That? That is SO not what my life is really like.

And I wonder if I’m pretending to be something I’m not.

I want what I put out there to be the truth. I don’t think I’ve ever written anything on this blog that is actually untrue, per se. However (and this is a big HOWEVER), I certainly don’t share everything that I think, feel, or experience. I often present a highly edited version of my real life, with all the dirty laundry hidden away. Things around here, generally, look pretty happy and shiny. In reality, it can be a roller coaster of crazy.  I am impatient and selfish, I make poor choices, I fight with the ones I love, I take out my frustrations on the wrong people, I doubt every single thing about myself and the decisions I make. Often, I even doubt that I feel what I think I feel and wish someone would sort it out for me. I complain, I whine, I blame others for my unhappiness when I am responsible. I have days that I want to do nothing but lay in bed and lament my inability to manage the chaos that swirls around me, my inability to make things better when they are JUST NOT OKAY. There are lots of reasons I conveniently delete those days from my running monologue here–vanity, a desire for privacy (despite my natural tendency to overshare), embarrassment, my sometimes astounding lack of attention to details…and, if I’m being honest, I’d much rather be viewed as sarcastic and witty than the mess that I really am much of the time.

Among many other excellent points, Kelly says, “But at the end of the day – my blog is something I do for myself more than anything and I want to remember the good things.”

I guess it comes down to this: I basically use this space as a scrapbook of my life. Years from now, I don’t WANT to be reminded of the hard things, the things that scar. Those things are real and there and will be remembered without any effort on my part to memorialize them. Believe me, I have a memory like an elephant and can give a run-down of pretty much anything any person has done to hurt me without even taking a deep breath, no matter how many years have passed. It’s a problem for me, actually. I want to remember the sunshine, the smiles, the funny things my child says. I want to remember getting caught in a rainstorm and laughing so hard I thought I might die (that’d be today at Chik-Fil-A after playing a sweltering game of cornhole).

So, I guess I’m saying that I’m willing to be truthful and real…to a point. Maybe that’s selective memory, but I’m okay with that for now. It will just have to do.

If only Ambien’s side effects didn’t regularly make the evening news February 13, 2010

2:00 am.

3:00 am.

4:00 am.

Ugh.

I have seen these hours roll around on the clock more in the past few months than, well, any other time I can remember. I don’t know about your house, but the conversations that happen around here during these hours are the types of conversations that make you want to stab your eyes out with the nearest available kitchen utensil. No good can come of it, I’m confident. Between the hours of 1 am and 7 am, my normally lovely personality is pretty much reduced to grunts, eye rolls, and that special edge-of-crazy feeling when you have a newborn around and only sleep in 30 minute stretches for days on end. The only upside is that I lose all desire to have the last word in whatever is being “discussed,” a desire that is normally so strong in me that my oldest friends have learned it’s just easier to let me have it.

Do you have “discussions” at your house? I bet you do.

As a bonus, I keep having these dreams that just make me tired. I’m either waiting tables and can’t remember how to get people their drinks for hours and hours (I think this is my version of the classic ”came to school naked” dream), or I’m walking the endless circle at Opry Mills Mall looking for something I can’t find (I actually went to that mall last night, so maybe that one will go away for a while–maybe the act of shopping there will get it out of my mind…any excuse to shop, really).

All this sleep insanity is making me a little manic during the day, which is actually not so bad. There’s a lot to be done.

So, welcome to the insomniac party. If you want to join in, please show some manners and at least bring me some drugs. I think I could ignore the possibility of dangerous headline-worthy side effects for a finite period of time in order to get some decent sleep.

Oh, Murphy… July 13, 2009

Okay, enough already. I need to rant a little. I think we have had more random financial “disasters” in the past two months than a family should have by pure chance. What do you think? I mean, all of these problems have been about things, so I know it’s just stuff and money (I’m made of money, aren’t you?), but OH MY WORD. The people here in Iowa must think our family is a walking disaster. Believe me, this is all new.

After our concrete slab leak under our four year old house to the tune of $1000 (while Andrew was in Iowa and I was still at home with Baby Girl trying to pack), I thought we might be done with Murphy for a while. We had also replaced the Tahoe’s transmission and some other ungodly expensive parts that month, so I thought that was just a bonus to ensure we could wait a while for the next “emergency.” Ha.

When my car died right before the first girls’ trip I have planned in forever, I was thankful that it died near our apartment and could be pushed to a nearby mechanic. We did ask around about the mechanic, and no one had any horror stories, so we went with them to save having it towed. Their $240 estimate quickly turned into over $700. We knew the prices they were charging for the parts were horribly high, but we needed it fixed so I could go. We picked it up on Thursday, paid cash (stupid for once, should have paid with a check so we could stop payment on it), and I headed to Chicago.

Remember this post about the trip itinerary that never was? Here we go again.

Original plan:

• Leave home 2pm
• Arrive Chicago 6pm
• Pick up girlfriend at bus station (ironically, we decided to not have her bring her car to save money)
• Relax and recharge for a few days and take a much-needed break with an old friend

Nope.

Here’s what actually went down:

• Ignition clicks off at 70mph, I-88 60 miles outside of Chicago (middle of nowhere, 140 miles after the “repairs”)
• Call Andrew, who is on his way to pick up a visiting friend at the Dubuque airport about 2 hours from our house
• Cry
• Call tow truck guy, who is actually able to come quickly and takes me/car to a truck stop (better than it sounds–there was a restaurant, a Wendy’s, and I had a book)
• Wait for Andrew to come the 3 hour drive with a tow dolly–so he had to rent a tow dolly, cancel the rehersal he had scheduled, find someone to watch Baby Girl (so very, very thankful for this, as we didn’t get back at all when we thought), and drive to me
• Andrew and Dan arrive with the tow dolly and discover part of the trailer hitch ball/bolt thing (yep, that ‘s what it’s called) has somehow fallen off. They’re lucky the dolly didn’t come off on the interstate.
• Go to two truck stops trying to find a replacement part
• Find a Wal-mart that does have the part
• After several attempts and the help of two nice truck stop patrons, get the car on the dolly and head home
• Pick up a very sleepy child at 2 AM and profusely apologize to the wonderful person who agreed to watch BG
• Park Tahoe and attached towed car at mechanic, barely resisting the urge to park it across their front door
• SLEEP

Updates: car is still wildly undiagnosed and broken, awaiting a call from the company owner in the morning, got the WONDERFUL and unexpected news that my friend Janelle is a miracle worker and was able to get a hotel refund from a company that does not offer refunds (I didn’t even pray for that, but God knew we needed it!), I was in a foul mood all weekend…but now starting to feel a little better. Life is short, and this is just money and stuff. Stay tuned for the rest of the car repair saga.

Update #2: Oh, AND the power steering went out on the Tahoe yesterday, giving Andrew Forearms of Steel. Or something like that.

How to get cold meds in 26 easy steps January 23, 2009

Geez. Have you tried to buy cold medicine lately?

I had to sign a document at the pharmacy counter acknowledging my purchase of a “methamphetamine precursor,” first of all. Then, when the price didn’t scan correctly, I had to be escorted (because, you know, I couldn’t actually HAVE the medicine yet) to customer service by the pharmacy technician. Apparently, the cash registers at the pharmacy counter don’t “do” price corrections (doubtful).  I eventually got my Advil Cold & Sinus, after many sighs and eye rolls. I was exhausted, I tell you.  I was so flustered that I totally forgot to use the coupon that was in my blasted pocket, so I got to pay full price for my practically-black-market goods. Even better.

MOney, Money, Money, Money…MONEY!!! December 15, 2008

In the interest of self-disclosure and motivating myself to make changes…you get a post about money. I had this sitting in my drafts for a few weeks and decided it was time to finish and publish it. Deep breath…

Okay, I know no one likes to talk about money. I sure don’t. I like to spend it, and I even like to make it (sometimes), but I don’t really like to talk about it. However, I’ve gotten off work early a few times lately and started listening to the Dave Ramsey radio show again. I miss it totally  if I’m headed home at my regular time. I’m not saying Dave has all the answers (or that he’s the only one out there with great advice on personal finances), but he is so very much smarter than I am. There’s something about his logic that really cuts out all the crap and excuses we all make and lays it all out there. You want _____? Okay, here’s where you are now in black and white. Here are the numbers. Here’s what you need to do to get there. It’s going to stink for a while until you get there, but you can do it.  Rice and beans, beans and rice… Well, that’s a poor paraphrase, but you get the idea. Cut the crap and the self-pity, and get a plan if you want things to change. Decide if what you have is an income problem or a spending problem (or both), and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. No bailout is coming your way, so get a plan.

I feel like we live pretty frugally. This is a big reason I am able to work 3 days a week and not full-time! At one point several years ago, we had absolutely no debt but our house (and that included paying off some stupid credit card debt and several HUGE medical bills). Until the past 2 years, Andrew and I have both always held multiple jobs. I guess you could say we both still do (Andrew is leading worship for several places/events on a regular basis, and I have a little monthly job in addition to my regular). We have 2 smallish debts now, and I swear I could smash something every time I make a monthly payment on them. We are paying extra on both and they will be gone very soon, but it just crawls all over me that we have those because we didn’t plan well enough for my last semester of grad school tuition and  for my income magically disappearing in the summers (duh). We also have an occasional and amazing inability to do simple addition/subtraction (mostly subtraction, unfortunately) on the checking account. That is also stupid.

I think my current frustration comes from not being able to pursue some of our “big goals” because things are so tight. Sufficient, but tight. We have health/life insurance, enough to pay our bills and pay on  our debt, enough to buy what groceries we need and extra to eat out (which we do much too often), and so on. Other than the “stupid summer” that got us the debt we’re paying on, we are getting better each year at managing what we have. I’m very proud of that, but I always think it could be better. We  need to go back to the cash envelope system to get really, really back on track. I hate to use cash. I don’t know why. I just do, but we need to do it anyway. That has been so successful for us in the past, and how we were able to pay off some scary-big medical bills that kept me up late at night.

We cut a lot of corners and try to live simply. We cloth diaper, make our own bread, make our own laundry detergent, switched to CFL bulbs (love those!), drive “well-loved” cars, do our own home repairs (and car repairs when possible), eat simple meals (lots of vegetarian meals at home), shop at thrift stores/garage sales, and on and on. I am also getting serious about couponing (again). However, we also spend a lot eating out, shop mindlessly sometimes (that would be me, not Andrew–dang those red clearance stickers at Target), send Baby Girl to Mother’s Day Out twice a week, and support someone’s Starbuck’s habit. See how I didn’t name names there? That’s very nice of me.

I would like to be able to give more than our regular church tithe, start our adoption RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE, possibly stay home for a period of time rather than working part-time, make some improvements to our house (totally superficial, but it’s a “want” I have), pay off our debt, pay off our mortgage, have a substantial emergency fund in place (that should be at the top of the list, actually), and do some family traveling. None of these things will happen until we become better at managing what we have. The math shows us that we don’t have an income issue–what we make is plenty to cover what we need. When we run out of money before we run out of month, that’s a spending/management issue.

Okay, I really don’t want to hit “publish,” but I will. This is either over-sharing or a way to kick myself in the butt and do a better job. There you go.